the irony lies with in the namesake

(when my blog was called the adventures of another "happy girl")
i'm sure the irony of the name of this blog has not escaped everyone. but clearly it never occurred to me until a couple of months ago. i kept hoping i would shed light on the happier things in my journey as a ... well, wherever i'd find myself at the moment, and that i wouldn't just be some bitter chica with a twisted blog name.

this has GOT to change. I used to be good times most of the time, (really! I'm talking DYNOMITE!) not "oh she has her moments" girl.
and i'll be john brown if I take a step back and see that girl again! I mean, I had a character named after me for crying in the mud! Happy Girl! My high school art teacher/friend even went to the lengths of making a calendar of Happy Girl. Me! twelve months of jamila!!! imagine! but life ain't like no post card (another way happy girl took form) and i never expected it to be, but this is ridiculous!

lately i've been thinking a lot about the person the 8 yr-old jamila thought she might grow to be. I we mostly thought about like the fleeting attractions and silly things in my life but most of my expectations seemed pretty solid. i thought i would be super cool, with no boy particular boy in sight just enjoying the view ( i've always liked boys) and a happy artist. now i'm an artist and misery has replaced my joy, i'm constantly worried about pleasing those around me and...it sucks. I never thought that I would be so...annoyed all the time or hate more things than I love. is it cuz i let myself down?? oh this age of never-ending questions...i'm slowly learning to appreciate it. but back to little mila.

i thought i would be the girl who let her "little light shine 'til Jesus come" yet i have forsaken her. sometimes, usually around my b-day i'm like "sorry kiddo, maybe this new year (my birthday having passed two weeks ago) I'll find brighter days or just be the bright bila you were thinking of". here's to a brighter bila (imaginary light raised to my younger self).

I think my gradual abandonment of my younger self is why I've held on to every age with a vise grip, cuz i know with growth come pain at least in my experience. with every age I've been a little more afraid of the next. but that little mila was fearless. maybe she and I should be homies again. maybe it will make me that bigger/badder woman I am slowly but surely becoming. that mila didn't care about her weight or what other kids said or how they were living. that mila was the business. Though she new hard times she didn't let it get her down.


i know it's strange to be talking to one's younger self and referring to befriending her...but this is how i roll sometimes :) so here's to another happy girl. cheers!