i realized the other day after chiling with a newly appointed homie, that even if i were to find someone who shared similar beliefs, loved everything about me, and made me their world with a twist of bitting whit,(vice versa) i would only screw it up. cuz i'm not sure that i believe that i will find someone like that or that i deserve someone like that. it's like...i've dealt with such half-steppers for so long that i'm settling on being alone...but on my terms. and that's OOOO much better than settling for anyone right???
at times i fuss about nothing ever coming to fruition, but then i wonder if i'm getting in my own way. if i've decidedly made the choice to be alone cuz i dont' wanna be left alone in the end... as is customary.
is it really better to have loved and lost and lose a piece of yourself? is it better to stride through the pain if or when it doesn't work out, but never really trusting anyone again.
have i devised my own...(sigh) who knows? some say "just date, your not marrying the guy", for anyone who shows interest. and i agree but the thing is...not everyone is eligible! i don't wanna date every fun guy that comes along. some don't have the gumption to see it through. so why bother? really what if i'm finally feeling someone and "SM-ack! next please!"
i dunno though, but i am just kinda...ready to move on and stop getting in my own way i guess??? or stop being so cynical. i think its necessary to stick to my morals but not be such a pansy about... hell, i do not know what i want or why i'm even writing if i can't translate these thoughts/feelings into words.
i mean, where do i begin? i don't even really know how to be treated well anymore. (by dudes) like, i just brush everything off and try and make everything buddy buddy cuz i've always been in like alone. so i forget how to be..i dont always have to rag on them to show them that i care or am interested???... i guess that's like my self preservation thing. i don' t wanna be the odd ball out and make everything wierd but of course it turn out like that anyway. i try to be myself but not completely cuz i'm not sure they can handle it...
when will i ever just get over myself? AHHHH!...these aren't even really the things i should be worrying about. huh? maybe i should actually try and work on my relationship with the one being in life who takes me as i am, who knows me through and through and still wants me. and will never care if i'm neglectful, tactless, and wierd. who'll only lift me up when i am daily sabatoging(not a verb) myself. it all comes back to Him. it always does. the inevitable circle of life.
i guess i'm back to my notion of "get God, and get going"...with life, with love, and with all that joy can bring.
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3 comments:
well jamila, here is what i think. firstly, forming relationships with others (on any level) is best when you know yourself well. when it comes to dating someone, it is especially important to know what you want and why. honestly, your blog wreaked of uncertainty- the uncertainty of taking a leap because you're afraid of falling or the uncertainty of making a statement about who you are because then you actually have to live up to it. i don't want to stand here in a soapbox, but i'm just reacting to what you wrote!...we're social creatures, so we want people around...but you don't NEED some guy to live your life. if you WANT a guy around, then take some risks. i'll tell you this much- high risk equals high reward and without that, life hangs in the muck of medicority. you, jamila, are not mediocre...so don't half-step :)
i second what that fine bald man ravi said... yea... i agree. and i'm with you.
ravi this is why i love you. you keep it real. i am cargo chalk-filled with uncertainty but i think this is the point where i do have to live with who i am or who i'm to become. this is the beauty of the quarter-life crisis. thus the need to blog to figure tings out and have homies come to my aid with less confusion.
tanx homes.
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