sabotage...................

i realized the other day after chiling with a newly appointed homie, that even if i were to find someone who shared similar beliefs, loved everything about me, and made me their world with a twist of bitting whit,(vice versa) i would only screw it up. cuz i'm not sure that i believe that i will find someone like that or that i deserve someone like that. it's like...i've dealt with such half-steppers for so long that i'm settling on being alone...but on my terms. and that's OOOO much better than settling for anyone right???

at times i fuss about nothing ever coming to fruition, but then i wonder if i'm getting in my own way. if i've decidedly made the choice to be alone cuz i dont' wanna be left alone in the end... as is customary.
is it really better to have loved and lost and lose a piece of yourself? is it better to stride through the pain if or when it doesn't work out, but never really trusting anyone again.
have i devised my own...(sigh) who knows? some say "just date, your not marrying the guy", for anyone who shows interest. and i agree but the thing is...not everyone is eligible! i don't wanna date every fun guy that comes along. some don't have the gumption to see it through. so why bother? really what if i'm finally feeling someone and "SM-ack! next please!"

i dunno though, but i am just kinda...ready to move on and stop getting in my own way i guess??? or stop being so cynical. i think its necessary to stick to my morals but not be such a pansy about... hell, i do not know what i want or why i'm even writing if i can't translate these thoughts/feelings into words.

i mean, where do i begin? i don't even really know how to be treated well anymore. (by dudes) like, i just brush everything off and try and make everything buddy buddy cuz i've always been in like alone. so i forget how to be..i dont always have to rag on them to show them that i care or am interested???... i guess that's like my self preservation thing. i don' t wanna be the odd ball out and make everything wierd but of course it turn out like that anyway. i try to be myself but not completely cuz i'm not sure they can handle it...

when will i ever just get over myself? AHHHH!...these aren't even really the things i should be worrying about. huh? maybe i should actually try and work on my relationship with the one being in life who takes me as i am, who knows me through and through and still wants me. and will never care if i'm neglectful, tactless, and wierd. who'll only lift me up when i am daily sabatoging(not a verb) myself. it all comes back to Him. it always does. the inevitable circle of life.
i guess i'm back to my notion of "get God, and get going"...with life, with love, and with all that joy can bring.