...tisk, tisk....

someone had to remind me that today was MLK Day. he said "it's more important than christmas and easter and "..blah blah blah... enter expletives... 'why did i have to work today!'

granted last night was filed with uncertainty and pain (due to an accident sustained by one of my girls'lil bros- he'll be ok in a couple months) i'm still dissappointed in myself. very sad, seriously. i read his blog upon much coaxing and then i watched the local news. only then could i recall why i once held this day so dear.

i am über-iper-mega pleased/elated with the racial "stablilty" we experience today compared to the days of old. and his hard work and sacrifice has gone far beyond that. none of us would have been who we are today if not for men and women like him. i may have never been introduced to my key influences in life or had an open mind to even soak them up. none of us really would have had the chance to dream as we do now chill in the same circles...his message and that of many others also promotes unity as human beings. this day in his honor though we may not all see it, bridges gaps, for at least one day to a few days, between sex, class and creed as well.

at my previous job (PointsofLight.org) I worked with volunteer centers across the nation. one of the many outreach days i worked with was "A Day ON" for MLK Day. i remember my girl Linds helping organize community projects throughout the year that would be funded by awarded the MLK Grants made available. they would start on MLK Day and continue through out the year. thus it was on the mind all year. how to help your fellow man, how to be a decent person. that work environment was super positive, regardless of internal politics that ultimately contributed to my departure.
i remember Linds' many conference calls and attitudes dealt with for the one day/few of grand gestures and minor actions that would promote togetherness. we'd review and approve grants that would actually help people act on giving back to/building community. we participated and it was really about forming unity! not just some day off of work or school.
I should have been preparing like we used to at work. just cuz i don't work there anymore doesn't mean i have to abandon my beliefs and skills acquired. i could have used those contacts and ... dunno... next year??? i know people always say that but i've learned from this grave mistake and imma be on point!

if it's only singing in some else's related event i would be proud to be supporting it. so '09 let's do it!
i have a feeling this year holds a cargo full of mistakes (ehhhh) i'll make that will compell me to be more active and the more upstanding kinda kid i thought i would be.

¿¿¿why don't you give love???...give love...give love...

the shout out louds confound me at times. cuz their lyrics cause me to think of the opposite of which they intend when they sing their IMPOSSIBLE song.

it's so funny how i've focused on love this month. not that it was intentional, but in a way it has gotten me ready for the notorious lover' day. why does that day weigh so much on the brain to those of us who are loved but have no one to call lover? if we're loved then we're not alone and nor should we be sappy or depressed right? hmmmm? i'm asking a question.
cuz i really don't wanna hate Valentine's Day. i want to have a positive response but... maybe...

here i go...
i want it to be a day where i just love everyone, even though i may not have one in particular to share my love with.(not hippie styles giving out free hugs like, but some people would need and appreciate that too and i wouldn't kick that idea either but...)

it's strange how i'm talking about this after tonight my boy and i devised "operation sig-fig" (gf/bf) we would each have a significant other by v-day. that might actually happen for him cuz... he's a dude. nuff said... and he's got game...i guess. but me - i doubt i will follow through. it's not really that deep for me. but i think about it and wonder how on top of this i would have been a few years ago. sooo funny! and then i think... it's NOT that deep. how 'bout i just play it like when i just showed some love to those that already loved me. instead o convincing some one i'm phen-awesome i can just show love to the ones that already know and love me.

so here it is....
i wanna give out valentine's like i used to in school. like every one just gets one bcuz everyone needs love. anyone who's ever gotten one knows what's up! but who ever's gotten one of mine knows how i roll. homemade styles, über personalized with funky packaging. soooo grand! just a lot of fun cuz even friendly valentine's warm the heart. well i guess i'd better start crackin' if this is to happen. i hope i have/make time for such tings so i can let those i love know how hard i love them and that they're not forgotten/alone on that special day.

dunno. is this just what singles tell themselves to make themsleves feel better?
this has just been on my mind, on/off (through blank stares and tending to long lines)...

the pretence of healing

'you can blindly trace the lines which english calls a face knowing it like a found memory,
jaw, to front, to side but if when you've reached the eyes they return an empty gaze,love is a lonely place.

what happens to the ones that love alone yet only live for love? ... that gesture, that daze, that quizical smile on one's face.
what happens to those that live the lie and love the lie they live?
'someday he will notice', and 'for once, she won't past me bye'.

hope is a lone eyelash in the unrequited's eye which some are too incapacitated to remove or swat to prevent further self-inflicted wounds.

what happens to the ones who'll lose because they'll chose to trip
on love and hope, scrapping palm and knee on agony and love never returned.'

-me

this used to be me. :waaaaaa:
but i'm not trying to be injured anymore. i'm sick of the unrequited business end of love or what ever it is when it doesnt' quite happen. it's like i somehow got kicks off of it. but it was like i was throwing a boomerang knowing it was only gonna bust me in the lip. crazy huh?

well i hope i'm through with it at least, cuz it can still happen unintentionally. no one ever really knows how things will turn out. but maybe with this change of heart i'll get some sense to determine what could be shouldn't always be.

where is this coming from? it's cold, snowing, and sara mclachlin is squeezin' out those wounded notes to 'do what i have to do'. i'm just in a cuddly mood and then sarah came on and... this all came pouring out. at some point she says 'i dont know how to let you go'. this was always about me letting go of being burned. not necessarily the person.

yet and still, memories flood my brain...painful ones. the ones that almost remind me of the life of a cindersoot. where i'm watching my knight gallop off with someone else. where i slip into the mud instead of a my own glass shoe. but just when he comes. and instead of gallivanting off with him, he suddenly sees...her. every time. but now i get that none of these 'knights' were meant for me. so... i'm just here...
watching snowflakes pile...thinking...

organ donors.

on the front of my license, right below my name and address, there is a little heart that means i am an organ donor. i believe this little icon has a lot to do with who i am. and how i'd like to be.

i give and give and i give... but not always to the right people at the right times. to some of the right people at the right time, yes. but it's all for naught if i don't do it when it really counts right???

also, when i give and i love things often get misconstrued. the giving is taken for weakness and the love is often poorly delivered. and taken for something else. maybe it's my rough ways or dunno. but i really feel it. and am happily dishing it out. but does that mean i'm doing it wrong?

dunno, that's just how it seems sometimes. often times i wonder after all of my loving and giving who is there to love me? many! more than many. and that makes me think i've done well. but how can one really tell if they are giving enough of them self...to the right people.

another thought...
i used to give love much more freely and less guarded. like big love and little love any kind of love. but now it seems i've wrapped it with uncertainty as to protect me from others' reactions. i guess it's just experience. life has made its mark. and i've acted accordingly... so i thought. but clearly something must be done. i used to just be open. hug and hang and feel and say how i felt. but now i'm often concerned for people's comfort levels'and what's appropriate and what they might think and...

when did this happen? i know it's important to some extent but i think i've kinda forgotten what is to just be...like affectionate without judgement. not like sucking people's faces off or anything but just like saying nice things without seeming like a suck up. or being pleasant without seeming like a pansy. or greeting a friend with a kiss.
what is really going on? this i blog may be going everywhere i know, but you know how i do.

so final thought or original thought...springer stylz.
why can't i just go through life with my little icon letting those who need me know. "should anything go wrong i'm here for you and i love you"?

well i guess i did kinda just... made this public... so to my people...you get it. i'm here for you. but to everyone else...we'll see.

¡action!

'love' is an action word much like 'smack'
i see people in love and i want to smack them.
i wanna smack them to remind them what love is.
i want to remind them in opposites
i want to remind them where it lives.
i want them to remind them to let it live.
i want to remind them of the address of a kiss
for when they don't remember that they've encountered what it is
to remind them of many who'll never know where it is.

love is patience, love is kind, love is the smack back into reality if truly stabilized.

love is an action word, often an adjective.
i see lovely people and i wanna live it.
i see simple people and i wanna give it.
i wanna leave it a pocket of the pants that rejects them.
i wanna smear in the gum that mis-takes them.
i wanna wear it over an accident that maimed them.
i wanna breath it into the lungs that have betrayed them.
i wanna fuse it into the cells that will decay them.

love is slow to anger and is not easily moved.
so make the choice love and be loved. to move or be moved.
for love just is as One so lovingly proved.

sabotage...................

i realized the other day after chiling with a newly appointed homie, that even if i were to find someone who shared similar beliefs, loved everything about me, and made me their world with a twist of bitting whit,(vice versa) i would only screw it up. cuz i'm not sure that i believe that i will find someone like that or that i deserve someone like that. it's like...i've dealt with such half-steppers for so long that i'm settling on being alone...but on my terms. and that's OOOO much better than settling for anyone right???

at times i fuss about nothing ever coming to fruition, but then i wonder if i'm getting in my own way. if i've decidedly made the choice to be alone cuz i dont' wanna be left alone in the end... as is customary.
is it really better to have loved and lost and lose a piece of yourself? is it better to stride through the pain if or when it doesn't work out, but never really trusting anyone again.
have i devised my own...(sigh) who knows? some say "just date, your not marrying the guy", for anyone who shows interest. and i agree but the thing is...not everyone is eligible! i don't wanna date every fun guy that comes along. some don't have the gumption to see it through. so why bother? really what if i'm finally feeling someone and "SM-ack! next please!"

i dunno though, but i am just kinda...ready to move on and stop getting in my own way i guess??? or stop being so cynical. i think its necessary to stick to my morals but not be such a pansy about... hell, i do not know what i want or why i'm even writing if i can't translate these thoughts/feelings into words.

i mean, where do i begin? i don't even really know how to be treated well anymore. (by dudes) like, i just brush everything off and try and make everything buddy buddy cuz i've always been in like alone. so i forget how to be..i dont always have to rag on them to show them that i care or am interested???... i guess that's like my self preservation thing. i don' t wanna be the odd ball out and make everything wierd but of course it turn out like that anyway. i try to be myself but not completely cuz i'm not sure they can handle it...

when will i ever just get over myself? AHHHH!...these aren't even really the things i should be worrying about. huh? maybe i should actually try and work on my relationship with the one being in life who takes me as i am, who knows me through and through and still wants me. and will never care if i'm neglectful, tactless, and wierd. who'll only lift me up when i am daily sabatoging(not a verb) myself. it all comes back to Him. it always does. the inevitable circle of life.
i guess i'm back to my notion of "get God, and get going"...with life, with love, and with all that joy can bring.

write above it

ms. mary mack
all dressed in black,
the silver buttons
all down her back,
are in fact scars
from fallen tact.
so she'll dream of worlds
with silly eli-fants
cuz the reality of it
is only filled with expletives

you live and you learn or simply get burned
you love you lose but first you must choose
to 'shake the dust'
to do what you must
to rise above it
to write above it.

the old mother hubbard
lived in a cupboard
raising her 7 dwarfed brothers
who'd be the only men to ever love her
but barely even cherished her
til she was gone.
til some one happened upon her.
and the reality of it
is only comparable to... expletives

you live and you learn or simply get burned.
you'll twist and turn to find the truth
and finally earn the strength to
rise above it,
to write above it.

cuz the reality of it is so much worse
that i cannot provide a verse
to match it's worth. so this is where you enter yours...
[ rise above it, write above it, live above it, sing above it].

rhythm and rock

rhythm, rhythm
rock, rock, ( 4 counts of a heartbeat)
No more precious tears or moments wasted dripping down this clock

rhythm, rhythm
rock, rock,
Meter no longer broken nor nearing that red flashing block

rhythm, rhythm
rock, rock,
Now that I've slowed it down a likkle we'll arrive at the plot

rhythm, rhythm
rock, rock,
I've melted the icicle so now we can finally talk

in my mind it went something like this:
"she flapped her wings then it was storming
batted her lashes , and ships went swarming"
oy! yes indeed these are extremes
but they're not only silly fables taken from our dreams
this is history, this is real,
this is truth.
and it's what happens when loves uprooted
when a lover is betrayed or even
when a unrequited desire lies stricken, dead.

i'm here today cuz
it's the lack of communication mixed with fear
which causes things to get so complicated
and it's what often brings us here,
to this point, to the apex of sorts,
of the broken heart.

the discovery of deceit boils blood of many
but the heart of holy man shall not take part in revenge.
i made that up. I told that to myself
so I wouldn't be the one of those females filled with disdain,
blocking my blessings and leave them to collect cobwebs on the shelf
Said to myself "it's all for the better",
til I spied you two in some dodgey little corner.
I mean you didn't' even try to hide it
Or not tell every single person I had to confide in.

I fussed, I fought, but only from within,
cuz I couldn't let you know how bad the wound had deepened.
Went through the cycle of it all,
denial, anger, the grief, but not that great fall
from grace and mercy cuz someone heard my call

i was comfortable, content and beyond a worry's snare
until you showed your face again and dragged me down here.
What am I saying? I mean, I was there before.
but i'm watering my pastures and shall soon settle in green.

now looking back I feel for you. I'll admit, I hurt you at times
and hope that my forgiveness now will allow you to
move on and seek help and become a better man rather than
some slap-me-sad bamma going nowhere two years out of his five-year plan.

So now that we've spoken and you still haven't changed I am left with only this to say
that I will no longer take part in your melee or continue to be the other broad standing in your way.
my rock and rhythm shall never again be moved
by such thoughtless and bane-isms of your hard, manipulative, and putrid soul.