So here’s the deal. At first this blog was supposed to be about how people go back to their addictions, food being mine. They can sneak up on you anywhere anytime, even if you plan ahead. Well that has been scratched. Repeater Cheater shall now be about my personal struggle or bitching about weight loss and how I’m sick of it ALL. It’s not geared toward anyone in particular but in recent convos over the past few weeks and past dealing with people, I’ve grown tired and I’m sure it'll happen again. The beginning is tough i understand, i've had many beginnings... it's just really hard for me see things through to the end. and i know this might possibly get harder as I approach my cruise. And i'm seeing results but it's just the commitment, making a realistic commitment to myself.
It is not news to me that I am a repeater cheater or repeat offender in this system/world of weight loss. It is news to me why. I'm not sure what it is but I have never been able to simply not do something. Maybe it's just a problem with authority or something. As far as authority goes it’s like this… if someone tells me that I can't jump off a bridge I’m not gonna push my way through line to jump and jump first. I’m not a dribbling idiot. But I will however never stop thinking about f-ing pizza until I can have it again if someone says I can’t have it! No matter what people say about “just think this don't think about it like that”, unfortunately at the end of the day I am the only one thinking for myself trapped with whatever thoughts I’ve got in my head. I am the only bloody person who knows what's going on in my head. So, when I thought about abstaining from something for a year I thought... “That’s bullshit and unrealistic”.
Not to say that my team plan is flawed but it is for me and some minor adjustments are to be made in order for ME to be able to continue successfully. I need a life time change.
Thus here I am...I have decided to give up on the "I can't have X for a year” mentality. I shall simply limit myself to a once a month basis. I know some fools gonna say “but you shouldn’t reward yourself with food”. To them I say "bump that", I’m not rewarding myself. I’m trying to stay on the bandwagon and not completely lose my shit. If I never have a class of juice again I think I’d be fine, but deserts or pizza? I know I won't make the yr with half of the contents of my closet, drawers, coat racks, and possibly shoes. To those who say, “but you’re setting yourself up for failure” I say "BUMP THAT", though I may not know who I am or who I am to be, I am the only PERSON on earth that knows what it’s like to be me and preserve my sanity.
If I set a limit for myself I'll do MUCH better. so there it is. Much is left to be discussed and I’m sure possibly argued about with my teammates, but that’s my peace. I’m doing a hell of a lot for this body-to-be and I just think I have to be a little more realistic about MY capabilities.
I know my teammates are strong and probably think I’m being negative. The fact of the matter is I’m the only one who knows what this is like for me to go through this. I’m the only one who’s lived in my household and felt the way that I do about weight and my perspective of myself. This may all sound like an excuse but seeing as none of us are shrinks I’ll go with this being an explanation and a solution for me to not fail at the task ahead of me.
So,
Once a month for a dessert of pizza-esque food is doable and realistic for me,
3-4 times a week at the gym for 1.5 hours is feasible and desirable,
Plenty of water is necessary and the halt on juice is not a problem. The garrring shall come to a pause… until next time…
5 comments:
i'm a team mate... and yea, i know i dont feel and know what you feel exactly cuz i'm not in your head. but if you think this shit is easy for meisse and me thats totally wrong. we have our own feelings and head problems and its hard for us too, its different of course, cuz we're different people. but we all got different issues. your body has changed for the better, even if just a little. me and meisse are still the same after 7 weeks.... thats hard to deal with.
i'm not mad at you or whatever... i just feel like... you knew what the team was about... you signed up knowing it... no one tricked you or forced you... so i dont know what the problem is. but i agree... you know best how to reach your own goals. i'm not argueing with that at all.
but know this: you are not in this alone.
no matter how much you feel like you're the only one who feels shitty and fucked up... you're not. there are two freaking teams full of girls who are feeling all kinds of things... and skinny is not one of them.
i love you cacahead.
fo show i know this is the dumps for us all I know that we all got our issues but his is jus thow i felt. i'm not trying to minimize your feelings or say that it's any easier for you.b ut most of the time i just feel like i can't do this. that's all. and i know that ya'll are strong and i just want to make it to the end.
this was not a hit on our team or our goals it was just one alteration, along with much unrelated bitching.
you rock and have been an inspiration. and that's why i'm on THIS team. you rocked every form of communication today and that's why i know i can do it and i'm not alone i just get grrrr too easily. i'm trying to chill but you know how it be. aight homes on to other fomrs of communication.
Um... I think that any sort of alteration with a team's rules should be discussed within THAT team, so I'm going to refrain from any sort of commentary or advise to that end.
HOWEVER, I will say that last thursday I spent an entire 2 hour meeting, in which I was supposed to be paying attention, thinking about whether to stop by Zoe's desk and have a mini Hershey's bar. It was killing me for 2 HOURS. You're not alone mila.
But I just had a question, did bitching (and I mean that in the best way) on your blog make you feel any better? And if so are you willing to try to playing by your teams rules, and 'bitching' about how it makes you feel and maybe using that as catharsis?
so maybe i have to clarify my bitching in yet another blog.
sigh...where do i even start? cause i'm so there with all the angst and the cursing...i'm so depre right now cause i can't seem to control my mouth...
and like that was my thing: "i'll just eat whatever the fuck i feel like cause i can't be bothered with counting calories or with restricting myself..." except that i feel like shit cause i ate like a gazillian calories worth of snickers and icecream last week all in the name of "not restricting myself"....
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Mxx
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