So I got some tough lovin' about my blog which was expected and appreciated but there's a reason why i posted it on my blog and not the team's. This also serves as a catharsis as jae so psychfully pointed out. From this last post I've found that it does help . At some point things will spill into how weight affect other parts of my life but this time I was just weak and angry, as i often seems to be, though I knew I was not alone everyone has their moments and everyone feels alone sometimes, others more often than some or even more often than is healthy.
Am I really gonna alter the TEAM rules? NO! Like I said it was jsut part of my bitch-fest-06.
So just to clear tingzup...
I'm going by the rules. I 'm paying the price for my trangressions without further quarrel. I just want to feel what i feel and write it down so i don't lose my mind. Feeling doesn't always resolve in acting out. So it's best to just get it out fo' i crack!
the end.
Oct 30, 2006
Oct 27, 2006
Repeater Cheater
So here’s the deal. At first this blog was supposed to be about how people go back to their addictions, food being mine. They can sneak up on you anywhere anytime, even if you plan ahead. Well that has been scratched. Repeater Cheater shall now be about my personal struggle or bitching about weight loss and how I’m sick of it ALL. It’s not geared toward anyone in particular but in recent convos over the past few weeks and past dealing with people, I’ve grown tired and I’m sure it'll happen again. The beginning is tough i understand, i've had many beginnings... it's just really hard for me see things through to the end. and i know this might possibly get harder as I approach my cruise. And i'm seeing results but it's just the commitment, making a realistic commitment to myself.
It is not news to me that I am a repeater cheater or repeat offender in this system/world of weight loss. It is news to me why. I'm not sure what it is but I have never been able to simply not do something. Maybe it's just a problem with authority or something. As far as authority goes it’s like this… if someone tells me that I can't jump off a bridge I’m not gonna push my way through line to jump and jump first. I’m not a dribbling idiot. But I will however never stop thinking about f-ing pizza until I can have it again if someone says I can’t have it! No matter what people say about “just think this don't think about it like that”, unfortunately at the end of the day I am the only one thinking for myself trapped with whatever thoughts I’ve got in my head. I am the only bloody person who knows what's going on in my head. So, when I thought about abstaining from something for a year I thought... “That’s bullshit and unrealistic”.
Not to say that my team plan is flawed but it is for me and some minor adjustments are to be made in order for ME to be able to continue successfully. I need a life time change.
Thus here I am...I have decided to give up on the "I can't have X for a year” mentality. I shall simply limit myself to a once a month basis. I know some fools gonna say “but you shouldn’t reward yourself with food”. To them I say "bump that", I’m not rewarding myself. I’m trying to stay on the bandwagon and not completely lose my shit. If I never have a class of juice again I think I’d be fine, but deserts or pizza? I know I won't make the yr with half of the contents of my closet, drawers, coat racks, and possibly shoes. To those who say, “but you’re setting yourself up for failure” I say "BUMP THAT", though I may not know who I am or who I am to be, I am the only PERSON on earth that knows what it’s like to be me and preserve my sanity.
If I set a limit for myself I'll do MUCH better. so there it is. Much is left to be discussed and I’m sure possibly argued about with my teammates, but that’s my peace. I’m doing a hell of a lot for this body-to-be and I just think I have to be a little more realistic about MY capabilities.
I know my teammates are strong and probably think I’m being negative. The fact of the matter is I’m the only one who knows what this is like for me to go through this. I’m the only one who’s lived in my household and felt the way that I do about weight and my perspective of myself. This may all sound like an excuse but seeing as none of us are shrinks I’ll go with this being an explanation and a solution for me to not fail at the task ahead of me.
So,
Once a month for a dessert of pizza-esque food is doable and realistic for me,
3-4 times a week at the gym for 1.5 hours is feasible and desirable,
Plenty of water is necessary and the halt on juice is not a problem. The garrring shall come to a pause… until next time…
It is not news to me that I am a repeater cheater or repeat offender in this system/world of weight loss. It is news to me why. I'm not sure what it is but I have never been able to simply not do something. Maybe it's just a problem with authority or something. As far as authority goes it’s like this… if someone tells me that I can't jump off a bridge I’m not gonna push my way through line to jump and jump first. I’m not a dribbling idiot. But I will however never stop thinking about f-ing pizza until I can have it again if someone says I can’t have it! No matter what people say about “just think this don't think about it like that”, unfortunately at the end of the day I am the only one thinking for myself trapped with whatever thoughts I’ve got in my head. I am the only bloody person who knows what's going on in my head. So, when I thought about abstaining from something for a year I thought... “That’s bullshit and unrealistic”.
Not to say that my team plan is flawed but it is for me and some minor adjustments are to be made in order for ME to be able to continue successfully. I need a life time change.
Thus here I am...I have decided to give up on the "I can't have X for a year” mentality. I shall simply limit myself to a once a month basis. I know some fools gonna say “but you shouldn’t reward yourself with food”. To them I say "bump that", I’m not rewarding myself. I’m trying to stay on the bandwagon and not completely lose my shit. If I never have a class of juice again I think I’d be fine, but deserts or pizza? I know I won't make the yr with half of the contents of my closet, drawers, coat racks, and possibly shoes. To those who say, “but you’re setting yourself up for failure” I say "BUMP THAT", though I may not know who I am or who I am to be, I am the only PERSON on earth that knows what it’s like to be me and preserve my sanity.
If I set a limit for myself I'll do MUCH better. so there it is. Much is left to be discussed and I’m sure possibly argued about with my teammates, but that’s my peace. I’m doing a hell of a lot for this body-to-be and I just think I have to be a little more realistic about MY capabilities.
I know my teammates are strong and probably think I’m being negative. The fact of the matter is I’m the only one who knows what this is like for me to go through this. I’m the only one who’s lived in my household and felt the way that I do about weight and my perspective of myself. This may all sound like an excuse but seeing as none of us are shrinks I’ll go with this being an explanation and a solution for me to not fail at the task ahead of me.
So,
Once a month for a dessert of pizza-esque food is doable and realistic for me,
3-4 times a week at the gym for 1.5 hours is feasible and desirable,
Plenty of water is necessary and the halt on juice is not a problem. The garrring shall come to a pause… until next time…
Oct 19, 2006
¡she's a brick!
As the old adage goes, "She's a brick----house. The lady's stacked and that's a fact, ain't holding nothing back." so maybe it's not an old adage but it's old and pretty cool which has everything to do with the likes of me. a big girl at size 14 and i still look hot but it's not what's right for me.so later in this classic funk piece "She's a brick" they continue to give the measurements of their brick house. 36-24-36. which has NOTHING to do with me. the only thing 36" on me would possibly be the length of a former dread (lock of hair), or maybe the length of my legs. I'm not in anyway delusional in my thinking that I could ever measure up to such an ideal of a woman and nor shall i try.
the truth
I hate food!i really do cuz i hate how we enjoy it so much to the point where we find comfort in it, a boyfriend, entertainment, a confident who will never judge but nor does it return or give back to the cause aside from heart disease, a need to buy new jeans because we're too fat or we have a whole in the crotch due to the fact that you've finally gotten too damn fat to crouch down and pick up a fallen key, metro card or piece of mail. This is BULLSHIT! And I have finally put my food/foot down and said "iI can't do this shit no more!" iIt's time to take back my wardrobe dammit! (So I'm a potty mouth but we can only tackle one thing at a time.)
the mission
I'm on a mission. I've been working out pretty consistently for about 7 weeks and am now joining the forces of my Maryland chicks in pursuit of reaching their personal weight/size goals. I'm just trying to get back into shape really. this team effort will consist of accountability partners and consequences. I'm not quit through the details but I'll get on that later.
My girl Eri and i were talking about how our bodies where not meant for this kind of weight. my feet ans my back hurt mostly because I'm fat. 60+ lbs to be exact. with my bones structure and height combined i should be able to maintain a healthy of 135. the boobs are a factor too. there's no way they should be this big. i mean their huge. I used to think that they would stay the same because of all the other times I'd lose 10-15 lbs, but if i lose 30 lbs and i still have these midgets in a headlock I'm gonna have SERIOUS back issues. so i guess that's another reason to look some bloody wight too.
my stats.
Size: still 14
start weight: : 187 lbs - now: 193
start bust: start: 43.25" - now: 40.75"
start waist: 38" - now: 35"
start hips: 46"
start arms: 14"- now:13.25"
I've gained weight and lost inches. There's a hell of a lot more to go with consequences such as eri talking clothes from me if i cheat so i have faith that this will be a VERY bumpy ride but I'll get there eventually. i know I'm well on my way to my spot's name sake because a dress i bought a bit ago wouldn't close. and here i am rockin' it. well that's all for now. peace.
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