Will I have sorted out my problems? Harnessed my frustrations? Headed in the right direction or even a similar direction to what God actually has planned for me? Will I have heeded his call? GARR. That’s all I ever wanna do is garrr. All damn day. but it's useless. Will I have stopped by then? I just wanna see how everything is gonna be okay. People say it all the time. "Everything is gonna be okay", and I just wanna smack them. But if it is in fact true, I wanna see it... for myself...
Is it impatience??? No, I just want proof that everything will work out for me as it has for others. Not in the same way or even to the same extent. This girl got in to school here and moved there and is now hitched and BLAH!!!... whatever!!!. I don’t have to be like other. I just want to know where I’m going. And know that I'm comfortable with myself once I've arrived. GARRRR!
Another thing is people always say things will work out for those who love the Lord. Thing is I barely know him I read up on things he's done in the past but has very little relavance to our relationship. Well I guess I'm screwed for now cuz where no so chummy these days. I've tricked myself into thinking my relationsip is the best it has aever been but that still doesn't mean that it's good, right? Hmm.
This is my life everyday. I know it could be and may get worse some day but right now it’s driving me mad. The unknown and not knowing how to improve my situation.
Some say it lies in God's hands. Well if it's in His hands how do I find Him let alone his hands? I guess the point is not to find out what exactly it is and just allow him to work through me but how can I allow someone to work through me if I barely know them. How am I to trust someone to help me if … garrrr it all just really sucks right now and I’m losing myself to this shell of a ninny that just sighs and “garr”s all f-ing day! And the worse part is I don’t know where to start.
I guess I don’t' have to know where I'm going for sure but to at least be comfortable with the fact that it's not up to me would be fab! I'm just feeling like I’m gonna explode inside but the pieces don't know where to go. I don't even know if that makes sense. I guess that’s more like implosion, collapsing from within? or on itself? Even typing right now is a chore because translating my thoughts into language...into these letters before me seems... hell I dunno...and all I want to do is sleep. sleep. sleep. And then I actually wanna hear those empty words ..."it's gonna be okay" but not from people. If He said it maybe I could calm down some. I've only heard those words once. Things eventually were okay but never great again. I wanna hear...who knows what I need to hear but I wanna hear, "no worries, it'll all be grand!"
I get that this is all probably necessary for growth but I just want it to be over already.
