obsession

they say, who ever the usual they may be, that men think of sex ever 6-9 seconds. well, my loop involves god/weight. would one call that obsessive? these two things have plagued my mind for as long as i can remember. really, I have always obsessed but never dealt with or quite gotten through or over them. i know it's strange but this is constantly in the forefront/ back of my mind. seriously, sorry i keep repeating myself but, it's like splayed in a giant undulating quilt that's like worked into every functioning wrinkle of my mind. and unfortunately, fun and friends and family are worked in with ever odd stitch of this quilt of obsession. and to that i say... poop.

I have quite a few friends that say they too often think on such things, but not on such an unbalanced scale. recently some of them have said that this time it feels different like things will change for good. like they'll make permanent headway and i'm happy for them, i am. but as much as i would love to ride the coat tails of the hopes/motivation conjured with the new year, i just can't bare to be disappointed yet again. it's like there's part of me that feels like it is going to work for them, really work this time. but that i'm somehow going to be the last chubby kid on the beach frying in hell, and more miserable than ever. and i can't really do too much about it. and all these same pessemistic thoughts race through my head evertime they bring up how far they've some or how well they're doing. but i want to hear the success cuz maybe, just maybe, i'll find some motivation from them. and i again i think...poooooooop!

something else i randomly think about is whether i will die alone as an old woman, in a shoe of a bedsit in some shabby part of town(where ever that may be). though when voicing these concerns i simply state something simple like, "will i ever really date again, like someone of substance???"

the advice to the more sanely stated version of this thought is..." don't worry it will happen when you least expect it", "when you stop looking things will just start happening" or "he'll just show up". I am quickly reminded of my mother's mantra "if you fail to plan you plan to fail" and then i end up in the same perplexed state as before. but at least those thoughts are fleeting, occassional, passing. and one would simply want to apply that to the god/weight thing too right??...wrong. cuz it all comes back to that planning shit all over again doesn't it. i'm telling you, motivation is a gift!! seriously. that's something i guess i'll be praying for. really. i'd like it in heaping loads. like those mysterious crates you see boats shipping in and out of port.

after all of this one might think me drenched in sorrow and disenchantment, which would normally be true, but as i am evaluating my thoughts, my dad calls, and being the slightly off co-creator that he is, he leaves me with the thought that "life's a bitch and then you die."

this is why i love him. so straight forward so a-matter-of-fact. he's like "what are you gonna do but get up off you ass and just do something?! right?" so i guess i'm off to smack this bitch we call life by doing something!!!