one convoluted step at a time

today (for 90 minutes) was the pits. I realize that every minute of everyday is like that for some...but i'm not them. So to continue, i repeat that today was the pits! i don't remember any other part of the day but those 90 minutes and so i found myself and my two fully-functioning feet, following one after the other for 45 glorious minutes in reflection.
MIdway through my walk I began to think that," though this road to becoming whoever the hell it is i'm supposed to be, often resembles fingernails on a chalkboard, i must be very nearly there...but not like the second coming.right?"

as is customary and natural as breathing my mind jumped to the realization that i am seeded in the practice of very rarely lending myself to the company of the extremely or freakishly fit. i think its due to the fact that it makes me look unforgivabley fat ad lazy. thus, limited access saves me from being on the receiving-end of unfriendly gazes upon refusing invitations for 30 mile (one way) bike rides or 3 day survival hikes to "no man's land". I respect them for being such eager athletes! I also respect my right to decline said invitations without judgment. we must walk before we run or starve in the desert, correct?

I also found that nor do i chill with the slothfully unhealthy, as they have a tendency to snare at me for caring about what i put into my body, like not drinking things comparable to toilet bowl cleaner. Here is where i was reminded that security is a warm blanket... of mediocrity.

in general i do not consider myself to be a run-of-the-mill sort of woman. i excel in more than a few areas but in this aspect of my life i am pleased to be average and comfortable with the happy medium. my methods of exercise are just that, and mine. though to some walking at least 45 minutes a day and eating natural foods as opposed to diet may be just shy of staving off diabetes and warding off bed soars, again i am pleased to, not run or bike or climb over the great wall of china, but walk. here is where, in my mind the two thoughts came together. if you you're having trouble following my train of thought, allow me to usher you in the ways of my very convoluted mind.

I am decidedly content with my new super power of living my own damn life! (developing this power is another blog, but one life-altering step at a time.) Though it may suck from time to time this life is still mine. i feel like i've almost reached a point in my life where i've wanted to revisit for quite some time. the few years when i was unapologetically ME. and now i have fully settled into the belief that i am very nearly there...being the person i'm supposed to be. maybe at this point, I'm supposed to be comfortable with who I am and the choices that I make. Later on in life i may be destined to remain terminally and financially unstable for others to see how God can work through me though i may not have much... but for now maybe i'm just meant to be content with being the favorite daughter of colline and owen silvera, and not holding myself up to other people's standards. and as i said many times, more to convince myself, i believe that i am very nearly there.