nubs of aggression

sorry but i must take a minute to perpetuate the stereotype of the a.b.w. (angry black woman)

i'm so peeved i've tabbed over from myspace to my nearest blog link just to hammer away at these keys til my fingers run down to nubs of aggression. maybe not. but...this shit's anooooying! and i need to vent!

so, myspace has sold their soul to the cyberlords of dating or match.com is shelling out a womp-loads of scratch to monopolize the ad space for those stellar ads that pop up in between and after posting comments. either way. it makes me angry. i thought dating was supposed to be fun and seeing "hot guys" on muted videos were supposed to drive you poop-throwing wild...or, i mean, make you think you have a chance at love in the latest/hippest cyber-dating community. like..."maybe i'll find that guy too!" these wack ass viral vids should come with a disclamer. something like, "for real dummy, have you seen who we get for our real commercials?...you never had a chance." i think that kind of disclaimer wouldn't make me hate their ads so much. or, if they didn't keep getting these smirking ninnies/frat guys taking off their shirts and shoes/mandals while we watch them fake chat with their "matches". i swear if those videos didn't loop and kept going, those dudes'd end up in just their socks. (cough).

we all know full and well that those dudes are on a whole different end of the web.

that would also make me hate their ads less. if they just had a ticker running across the bottom saying things like "this guy has never quite made it to our site but we hope you can."

and another thing. is it just guys they show everyone. or is it only cuz im a single female. if not... is they searching my info...oh snap!

back to the only dudes thing...is match.com only for the gays and gals?
now i'm angry for all the straight men you wanna find unattainable love. all those guys that miss out on mued videos of female taking off their 1st layer shirts and heels or sneaks...or other foot accessories of choice. dang. the injustice just made me pop my "e" key off the key board (that and this keyboard has been loved for quite some time, but that's beside the point).

alright. i'm awake in the wee hours of the a.m., bitter, and i have nothing of substance to rant over so i figured this as worthy a cause as any.

k. hope you've found less agitating ads on your side of the web.

i'm back and i'm black!

so this has got nothing to do with my awesomeness as the color black or "darkness" as some prefer to call me, nor does it refer to my ethnicity. it does have everything to do with the fact that..ugh... it's been a minute but i'm back. HA!

lately i've been thinking about the little things that make me smile/giggle and simple things that warm my heart, cuz it's really all we have sometimes. i be getting in my feelings sometimes, you know...the dumps...so i decided to wait for the day i thought i might go blind from sobbing 'bout my few but debilitating woes. the day has yet to arrive but it's getting a little too close and i'm avoiding cleaning my house so here it is.

i call this list my common/not-so-common pleasantries...sooooo. here we go!


the spread of a smile...mostly on children's faces.
the address of a kiss. (querida españa)
finding/figuring out the meaning of random words and common idioms/colloquialisms.
learning random trivia.
sketching.lula.
wrapping presents...the whole process. making. wrapping. giving.
doing something correctly.
doing something well.
the satisfaction of knowing that i've done all that i can.
drawing on polaroids.
ammi's "hey girl".
hearing gramma sing hymns on friday nights with out music.
the chew in gummy bears.
mom speaking patios...like really thick! HA.
"the stage" at the monsalve's.
dee's tea.
stories on tape.
the feeling when my back settles.
bun and cheese.
dad's voice./accent wars.
witty banter. esp. with des j.
racial banter.
holding hands.
RED HAIR!
the irish.
good covers(songs)
wanja's bitchin' grafix.
windy nights.
rainy nights when i'm safe in my bed.
making bandages...(for nunz)
making up words.
healing time.
blankets fresh out of the dryer.
cosquillas.(tickles)from dee.
the feeling of stubble in my palms.
pressing down on/rubbing short fresh cut prickly hair
clean glasses.
clean/fresh locks.
nooma.
baby feet.
reading fluid thoughts.
painful laughter.
reckless joy.
broken in kicks.
the perfect fit. pens/clothes/people. whatever
bro's hugs.
maggie's stories.
lauren's stories.
fresh eyebrows.
HT saying, "you bout to get elbowed"
kissy face by my eyes/cheeks.
worn-in tee-shirts.
jael's blogs.
the cheet's imagination.
my thought process...sometimes it's just entertaining how i come to a conclusion about things.
col's smile.
eric's cock-eyed babyface stare (sin gafas)
being fit.
moonlit nights. when the moon looks like it's gonna take over. i know it's cheesy but damn!
tric's expressions and silent adventures.
wheni just get in the car on a hot day...that sauna feeling for like the first 3-10 sec.
my hair towards the back. it's just super soft.
pretty toes.
lipstuff.
nunz'laugh and semi-serious face.
having all my bills paid.
eri's faces.
hoodies.
family night.
the instigators monsalve.
jane austen.
knowing the words to a really fast or complicated song.
danny b's state of ridiculousness.
accents.
helping people that "don't deserve it" then seeing them appreciate it.
singing lullabies.
a semi-full belly.
simple tunes.
tommy's translation/sketches.
brit running.
a clean room.
"doing art!"
platano frito y frijoles con crema
cradling hugs.
sincere hugs.
holy hugs.
pleasant gazes.(mutual romantic and otherwise.)
KNOWing when i'm loved.

so make your own list
wanja
eri
tric
tombi
and everyone else on my links. Go!see if it helps...


the end.

BANG! BANG! ¡this is a stick up!

elvis has been tagged!

so here we go:

warning! i be barry white'in' it cuz all i did last night was YEEEELL!



for the forgotten but equally appreciated/present bits:

-2 pennies.
-starBURST wrapper: i'm obsessed.

all normal things like lipchap, wallet, and the celly, stay in my jacket.
go fig!

hooorah. this tag has been CUT OFF!

or not . . . let's see how jy rolls. . .

on a roll

so things just keep on changing.
at the beginning of the year I asked to hear a word from God, to let me know what i'm to do because the ministry, intouch, has so much to do with where i am in my spiritual life and possibly where i need to be.

today i told my group that i would be saying goodbye to the professional aspect of our relationship. we'll still be homies/fam but it will be different and i will miss a unique dynamic. but alongside the feeling of mournful assurance is a familiar emotion. excitement.

I feel like i did in my last months before i graduated from Andrews. i'm supposed to do something else with my life. offer up myself to some greater purpose where i will be able to give freely, willingly, whole-heartedly and make it all about Him. this could be the journey of a lifetime. so many little adventures but this here? dunno. it could be the platform for...dunnoooooooooo. i'm sounding all hippy-ish cuz i read this in my oswald chambers devo this morning.

"Tell God you are ready to be offered and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be."

of course i'm like, " ¿when homie when?" so i think it might be a while and i hope i am in fact ready for His answer.

it sounds too good to be true and mad cheesy but if it is i can only benefit from giving up self to something greater than just me. granted i'm crazy scared but... onward!...to infinity and beyond. lol.

...tisk, tisk....

someone had to remind me that today was MLK Day. he said "it's more important than christmas and easter and "..blah blah blah... enter expletives... 'why did i have to work today!'

granted last night was filed with uncertainty and pain (due to an accident sustained by one of my girls'lil bros- he'll be ok in a couple months) i'm still dissappointed in myself. very sad, seriously. i read his blog upon much coaxing and then i watched the local news. only then could i recall why i once held this day so dear.

i am über-iper-mega pleased/elated with the racial "stablilty" we experience today compared to the days of old. and his hard work and sacrifice has gone far beyond that. none of us would have been who we are today if not for men and women like him. i may have never been introduced to my key influences in life or had an open mind to even soak them up. none of us really would have had the chance to dream as we do now chill in the same circles...his message and that of many others also promotes unity as human beings. this day in his honor though we may not all see it, bridges gaps, for at least one day to a few days, between sex, class and creed as well.

at my previous job (PointsofLight.org) I worked with volunteer centers across the nation. one of the many outreach days i worked with was "A Day ON" for MLK Day. i remember my girl Linds helping organize community projects throughout the year that would be funded by awarded the MLK Grants made available. they would start on MLK Day and continue through out the year. thus it was on the mind all year. how to help your fellow man, how to be a decent person. that work environment was super positive, regardless of internal politics that ultimately contributed to my departure.
i remember Linds' many conference calls and attitudes dealt with for the one day/few of grand gestures and minor actions that would promote togetherness. we'd review and approve grants that would actually help people act on giving back to/building community. we participated and it was really about forming unity! not just some day off of work or school.
I should have been preparing like we used to at work. just cuz i don't work there anymore doesn't mean i have to abandon my beliefs and skills acquired. i could have used those contacts and ... dunno... next year??? i know people always say that but i've learned from this grave mistake and imma be on point!

if it's only singing in some else's related event i would be proud to be supporting it. so '09 let's do it!
i have a feeling this year holds a cargo full of mistakes (ehhhh) i'll make that will compell me to be more active and the more upstanding kinda kid i thought i would be.

¿¿¿why don't you give love???...give love...give love...

the shout out louds confound me at times. cuz their lyrics cause me to think of the opposite of which they intend when they sing their IMPOSSIBLE song.

it's so funny how i've focused on love this month. not that it was intentional, but in a way it has gotten me ready for the notorious lover' day. why does that day weigh so much on the brain to those of us who are loved but have no one to call lover? if we're loved then we're not alone and nor should we be sappy or depressed right? hmmmm? i'm asking a question.
cuz i really don't wanna hate Valentine's Day. i want to have a positive response but... maybe...

here i go...
i want it to be a day where i just love everyone, even though i may not have one in particular to share my love with.(not hippie styles giving out free hugs like, but some people would need and appreciate that too and i wouldn't kick that idea either but...)

it's strange how i'm talking about this after tonight my boy and i devised "operation sig-fig" (gf/bf) we would each have a significant other by v-day. that might actually happen for him cuz... he's a dude. nuff said... and he's got game...i guess. but me - i doubt i will follow through. it's not really that deep for me. but i think about it and wonder how on top of this i would have been a few years ago. sooo funny! and then i think... it's NOT that deep. how 'bout i just play it like when i just showed some love to those that already loved me. instead o convincing some one i'm phen-awesome i can just show love to the ones that already know and love me.

so here it is....
i wanna give out valentine's like i used to in school. like every one just gets one bcuz everyone needs love. anyone who's ever gotten one knows what's up! but who ever's gotten one of mine knows how i roll. homemade styles, über personalized with funky packaging. soooo grand! just a lot of fun cuz even friendly valentine's warm the heart. well i guess i'd better start crackin' if this is to happen. i hope i have/make time for such tings so i can let those i love know how hard i love them and that they're not forgotten/alone on that special day.

dunno. is this just what singles tell themselves to make themsleves feel better?
this has just been on my mind, on/off (through blank stares and tending to long lines)...

the pretence of healing

'you can blindly trace the lines which english calls a face knowing it like a found memory,
jaw, to front, to side but if when you've reached the eyes they return an empty gaze,love is a lonely place.

what happens to the ones that love alone yet only live for love? ... that gesture, that daze, that quizical smile on one's face.
what happens to those that live the lie and love the lie they live?
'someday he will notice', and 'for once, she won't past me bye'.

hope is a lone eyelash in the unrequited's eye which some are too incapacitated to remove or swat to prevent further self-inflicted wounds.

what happens to the ones who'll lose because they'll chose to trip
on love and hope, scrapping palm and knee on agony and love never returned.'

-me

this used to be me. :waaaaaa:
but i'm not trying to be injured anymore. i'm sick of the unrequited business end of love or what ever it is when it doesnt' quite happen. it's like i somehow got kicks off of it. but it was like i was throwing a boomerang knowing it was only gonna bust me in the lip. crazy huh?

well i hope i'm through with it at least, cuz it can still happen unintentionally. no one ever really knows how things will turn out. but maybe with this change of heart i'll get some sense to determine what could be shouldn't always be.

where is this coming from? it's cold, snowing, and sara mclachlin is squeezin' out those wounded notes to 'do what i have to do'. i'm just in a cuddly mood and then sarah came on and... this all came pouring out. at some point she says 'i dont know how to let you go'. this was always about me letting go of being burned. not necessarily the person.

yet and still, memories flood my brain...painful ones. the ones that almost remind me of the life of a cindersoot. where i'm watching my knight gallop off with someone else. where i slip into the mud instead of a my own glass shoe. but just when he comes. and instead of gallivanting off with him, he suddenly sees...her. every time. but now i get that none of these 'knights' were meant for me. so... i'm just here...
watching snowflakes pile...thinking...

organ donors.

on the front of my license, right below my name and address, there is a little heart that means i am an organ donor. i believe this little icon has a lot to do with who i am. and how i'd like to be.

i give and give and i give... but not always to the right people at the right times. to some of the right people at the right time, yes. but it's all for naught if i don't do it when it really counts right???

also, when i give and i love things often get misconstrued. the giving is taken for weakness and the love is often poorly delivered. and taken for something else. maybe it's my rough ways or dunno. but i really feel it. and am happily dishing it out. but does that mean i'm doing it wrong?

dunno, that's just how it seems sometimes. often times i wonder after all of my loving and giving who is there to love me? many! more than many. and that makes me think i've done well. but how can one really tell if they are giving enough of them self...to the right people.

another thought...
i used to give love much more freely and less guarded. like big love and little love any kind of love. but now it seems i've wrapped it with uncertainty as to protect me from others' reactions. i guess it's just experience. life has made its mark. and i've acted accordingly... so i thought. but clearly something must be done. i used to just be open. hug and hang and feel and say how i felt. but now i'm often concerned for people's comfort levels'and what's appropriate and what they might think and...

when did this happen? i know it's important to some extent but i think i've kinda forgotten what is to just be...like affectionate without judgement. not like sucking people's faces off or anything but just like saying nice things without seeming like a suck up. or being pleasant without seeming like a pansy. or greeting a friend with a kiss.
what is really going on? this i blog may be going everywhere i know, but you know how i do.

so final thought or original thought...springer stylz.
why can't i just go through life with my little icon letting those who need me know. "should anything go wrong i'm here for you and i love you"?

well i guess i did kinda just... made this public... so to my people...you get it. i'm here for you. but to everyone else...we'll see.

¡action!

'love' is an action word much like 'smack'
i see people in love and i want to smack them.
i wanna smack them to remind them what love is.
i want to remind them in opposites
i want to remind them where it lives.
i want them to remind them to let it live.
i want to remind them of the address of a kiss
for when they don't remember that they've encountered what it is
to remind them of many who'll never know where it is.

love is patience, love is kind, love is the smack back into reality if truly stabilized.

love is an action word, often an adjective.
i see lovely people and i wanna live it.
i see simple people and i wanna give it.
i wanna leave it a pocket of the pants that rejects them.
i wanna smear in the gum that mis-takes them.
i wanna wear it over an accident that maimed them.
i wanna breath it into the lungs that have betrayed them.
i wanna fuse it into the cells that will decay them.

love is slow to anger and is not easily moved.
so make the choice love and be loved. to move or be moved.
for love just is as One so lovingly proved.

sabotage...................

i realized the other day after chiling with a newly appointed homie, that even if i were to find someone who shared similar beliefs, loved everything about me, and made me their world with a twist of bitting whit,(vice versa) i would only screw it up. cuz i'm not sure that i believe that i will find someone like that or that i deserve someone like that. it's like...i've dealt with such half-steppers for so long that i'm settling on being alone...but on my terms. and that's OOOO much better than settling for anyone right???

at times i fuss about nothing ever coming to fruition, but then i wonder if i'm getting in my own way. if i've decidedly made the choice to be alone cuz i dont' wanna be left alone in the end... as is customary.
is it really better to have loved and lost and lose a piece of yourself? is it better to stride through the pain if or when it doesn't work out, but never really trusting anyone again.
have i devised my own...(sigh) who knows? some say "just date, your not marrying the guy", for anyone who shows interest. and i agree but the thing is...not everyone is eligible! i don't wanna date every fun guy that comes along. some don't have the gumption to see it through. so why bother? really what if i'm finally feeling someone and "SM-ack! next please!"

i dunno though, but i am just kinda...ready to move on and stop getting in my own way i guess??? or stop being so cynical. i think its necessary to stick to my morals but not be such a pansy about... hell, i do not know what i want or why i'm even writing if i can't translate these thoughts/feelings into words.

i mean, where do i begin? i don't even really know how to be treated well anymore. (by dudes) like, i just brush everything off and try and make everything buddy buddy cuz i've always been in like alone. so i forget how to be..i dont always have to rag on them to show them that i care or am interested???... i guess that's like my self preservation thing. i don' t wanna be the odd ball out and make everything wierd but of course it turn out like that anyway. i try to be myself but not completely cuz i'm not sure they can handle it...

when will i ever just get over myself? AHHHH!...these aren't even really the things i should be worrying about. huh? maybe i should actually try and work on my relationship with the one being in life who takes me as i am, who knows me through and through and still wants me. and will never care if i'm neglectful, tactless, and wierd. who'll only lift me up when i am daily sabatoging(not a verb) myself. it all comes back to Him. it always does. the inevitable circle of life.
i guess i'm back to my notion of "get God, and get going"...with life, with love, and with all that joy can bring.

write above it

ms. mary mack
all dressed in black,
the silver buttons
all down her back,
are in fact scars
from fallen tact.
so she'll dream of worlds
with silly eli-fants
cuz the reality of it
is only filled with expletives

you live and you learn or simply get burned
you love you lose but first you must choose
to 'shake the dust'
to do what you must
to rise above it
to write above it.

the old mother hubbard
lived in a cupboard
raising her 7 dwarfed brothers
who'd be the only men to ever love her
but barely even cherished her
til she was gone.
til some one happened upon her.
and the reality of it
is only comparable to... expletives

you live and you learn or simply get burned.
you'll twist and turn to find the truth
and finally earn the strength to
rise above it,
to write above it.

cuz the reality of it is so much worse
that i cannot provide a verse
to match it's worth. so this is where you enter yours...
[ rise above it, write above it, live above it, sing above it].

rhythm and rock

rhythm, rhythm
rock, rock, ( 4 counts of a heartbeat)
No more precious tears or moments wasted dripping down this clock

rhythm, rhythm
rock, rock,
Meter no longer broken nor nearing that red flashing block

rhythm, rhythm
rock, rock,
Now that I've slowed it down a likkle we'll arrive at the plot

rhythm, rhythm
rock, rock,
I've melted the icicle so now we can finally talk

in my mind it went something like this:
"she flapped her wings then it was storming
batted her lashes , and ships went swarming"
oy! yes indeed these are extremes
but they're not only silly fables taken from our dreams
this is history, this is real,
this is truth.
and it's what happens when loves uprooted
when a lover is betrayed or even
when a unrequited desire lies stricken, dead.

i'm here today cuz
it's the lack of communication mixed with fear
which causes things to get so complicated
and it's what often brings us here,
to this point, to the apex of sorts,
of the broken heart.

the discovery of deceit boils blood of many
but the heart of holy man shall not take part in revenge.
i made that up. I told that to myself
so I wouldn't be the one of those females filled with disdain,
blocking my blessings and leave them to collect cobwebs on the shelf
Said to myself "it's all for the better",
til I spied you two in some dodgey little corner.
I mean you didn't' even try to hide it
Or not tell every single person I had to confide in.

I fussed, I fought, but only from within,
cuz I couldn't let you know how bad the wound had deepened.
Went through the cycle of it all,
denial, anger, the grief, but not that great fall
from grace and mercy cuz someone heard my call

i was comfortable, content and beyond a worry's snare
until you showed your face again and dragged me down here.
What am I saying? I mean, I was there before.
but i'm watering my pastures and shall soon settle in green.

now looking back I feel for you. I'll admit, I hurt you at times
and hope that my forgiveness now will allow you to
move on and seek help and become a better man rather than
some slap-me-sad bamma going nowhere two years out of his five-year plan.

So now that we've spoken and you still haven't changed I am left with only this to say
that I will no longer take part in your melee or continue to be the other broad standing in your way.
my rock and rhythm shall never again be moved
by such thoughtless and bane-isms of your hard, manipulative, and putrid soul.

be careful what you wish for or speak into existance...

ha! so it turns out that i won't have to see fam or denver in a box. i can't go to jamaica just like i couldn't visit aunt dawn, cuz i'm broke. denver was deported so the u.s. government has gracefully denied his body access to ever touch their territory again. how badass no? blhhhh!!!. i could puke on that flag right now. or just the immagration or justice or which ever department makes this decision.
blhhhhhh!

tired of crying and i can't see...

So Dec. 6, 2007 my aunt Dawn Collette Davis went to rest in the arms of "her" Jesus. I found that she has alot to do with the person i am today. she was and is one of my biggest heroes while living and dying. I wanted to dedicate this entry to her but that will have to wait cuz i'm not in such a positive mood right now cuz before my aunt Dawn was buried even a full week tonight some coward in jamaica saw fit to kill my cousin denver, 3 days before christmas, outside my gramma's house...while his parents wer taking to each other on the phone. 3 days and my aunt could have seen her son. does this mean another one is coming. you know the whole "death in threes" theory. does this mean...hell. i'm sooo tired of having to make ourselves feel better by dreaming up some life our dearly departed never lived. luckily with aunt dawn she was crazy, inappropriate, real and raw and sooooooo in love with jesus. denver i'm not too sure.

he stop drugging and drinking...even partying, says my aunt colleen but... you never know and you just try to hope for the best, because taking it for what it is hurts even more than the deafening midnight call or cry heard from a relative saying, delroy, donald, and now denver are gone. such hogwash. all i've got is prayers. i say that and pause... and watch this cursor blink cuz it's really all i have to give and i know it might not sound like much to some but it's a grandest gesture possible. blink blink, my cousin is dead. shit this hurts. and how the hell am i supposed to... i dunno. i just... i can't talk so writing is the only thing that will help right now.

my mother called auntie to see just let her talk... she's seen death so many times now that she didn't really cry until she spoke to her. man, i can not do another funeral. i can't see family only cuz someone's died. i can't hear my gramma mourn another grandchild which quickly segues into her mourning her own child again.

i can't see my aunt's face as she stares at or even holds her child one last time alone, cuz uncle danny can't come home. i can't see his son!!!! i cannot see denver!!!!!! i cannot see denver davis in a ....box? a box.

How, Where, When?

(long over due draft form august)
You know when you go to a new restaurant and you think you've found what option/combo/ or whatever's best for you? You order and hope to goodness that it will rock your socks... or flops? The meal comes and your's isn't what you had hoped? Everyone else's seems sooo appetizing? Then you think"..daaaang. how did they know that would work out? Theirs' looks sooo good! Maybe I'll try that next time... or not. Oh well i guess this will due...."

This is what came to mind when thinking of how to explain what I've been feeling... for most of my life, especially in the past two weeks. I've prayed over and given a lot of thought to what I should and want to do with my life. How I could use my talents and how God might want me to use them for him... and i have only been able to view it through one application, art. I'm not sure how it will come about. my life starting... a career starting including art.

I've grown comfortable with the idea of teaching art. Yay! I think ??? Then come the runners up now that the "what" may have finally been answered.... how, when, and where. While randomly talking to some folks about their six month to 5-yr plans I always think, "man, that's cool, but is it for me?" How do we distinguish between a good path and our proper paths?

I know that I've been blessed in many ways but now I want to harness those gifts and find tune them with some skill or.... I Don't even know if that makes sense or if that's how it works. Garrrr!

I have a funny feeling that I won't find out for a while. This waiting business is rrrough! Grrrrr! Another uneasy feeling I get is that I will be over influenced by my mother, missing the opportunity of a lifetime only because I didn't want to disappoint her. How can I live my own life for God and not some idea of how others think I should.

How, Where, When?

Beyond Just Lions and Tiger and Bears and Why

So I told a friend the other day I had to lay off the Harry Potter stuff cuz i get too engrossed and it's a bit too shifty for me anymore. I had the book for like two months and only got as far as 30 pages. I knew it was time to let it go. then I told the same homie that i would only listen if it fell in my lap and that I wasnt' trying to seek it out anymore.

Low and behold, the next week the 6th Harry Potter book fell in my lap, cd styles. it was so easy and sooooo very interesting. i just couldn't understand how someone could write soooo vividly. the fluidity of her thoughts captured on paper began to perplex me. the originality was off the charts! I began to wonder if her, J.K. Tolken's, research took her through much of real history of withces and wiccah. I let my thoughts rest and just continued to enjoy it all. I finished today thinking, "Dang that stuff is crazy!", followed by wondering if she was in wiccah herself or what??

So today I got an email from my bro saying "this is worth reading". It was about the new movie the Golden Compass. The email was attached with a link to some site that brought something to light that I've been thinking about quite a bit. I know better than to believe everything I read but this comfirmed my theory. Maybe you guys already know about this but i was like, "Dang! I may finally have to let this go."

The article said that the author, Phillip Pullman, of said novel to film was written in response to the C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia trilogy. There's also something about him hating C.S. and Christianity and his goal was to kill God inthe mind of children. And then it clicked!

The rise of magic, vampires, superheroes and what-not has recently taken a more innocent role. whether the target audience is youth or adults. I just noticed that there is no higher power involved other than the superheroes themselves and that it always works out as long as you have each other. Though the Pullman goal maybe to directly affect the realtionships of children with God that doesn't mean all of these authors feel this way right??? ( enter incredulous sigh or kissing of the teeth here). NOT everyone is on the same page but are they still ending up in the same direction?

I guess I'm seeing more clearly why parents prefer not to have they're kids so engrossed in this stuff.
can it really kill God for kid? will they hope to replace God with the things they find in books. is it enought to just explain to them that God is real though he presents himself differently.

I guess many find solace in the fact that these shows and books all seem to have the overall themes which parallel love and the good guy always wins in the end or should...but it's a bit deeper than that. what I've been facing lately is, "what would a life be without God be?" and "why am i spending soo much time in these worlds were God is only mentioned out of fear". I haven't quite acted on these thoughts yet but maybe I should. dunno guess that's what blogging is all about. just getting it out. and dealing with it at some point.

this may seem foolish to most but i suppose this is a way of me lining up my ducks in my realtionship with God...and dealing with the fact that i may have to give up aaall my favorite shows...guess these are the breaks.

to make things clear. this is just my opinion and maybe even stumbling block and i'm not suggesting anyone else do anything.

whatever your hands find to do...rock out!

my manager has been brow-beating this concept, i mean, like kidney punching it into me. however he came at it like Jesus clearly said " what ever your hands find to do, do them to the best of your ability and/or to the glory or God". but that means nothing if you dont' find meaning in what you do.

lately I've been finding meaning. but does this also mean do with what you've got don't look forward to getting any more??? I thought that to be a ...strange feeling for those in the who are meter maids, sewage jumpers and the milk man who have no other prospects, and well people who haven't been given as many talents as most or aren't always appreciated in whatever job they find themselves.

I know there are loads of people who rock whatever they've been given to do so I feel compelled to do better with all that I have. I am moved the be the hittin'-est jamBila the world has EVER seen. I wanna take all my talents and milk them for all they are worth and give, give, give!
so, it seems the verbal abuse of repition has finally found it's destination. an understanding of what I'm to do with what I do. the only question now is how? and for whom? I'm sure it will be a fun and exciting journey answering those questions too!

the irony lies with in the namesake

(when my blog was called the adventures of another "happy girl")
i'm sure the irony of the name of this blog has not escaped everyone. but clearly it never occurred to me until a couple of months ago. i kept hoping i would shed light on the happier things in my journey as a ... well, wherever i'd find myself at the moment, and that i wouldn't just be some bitter chica with a twisted blog name.

this has GOT to change. I used to be good times most of the time, (really! I'm talking DYNOMITE!) not "oh she has her moments" girl.
and i'll be john brown if I take a step back and see that girl again! I mean, I had a character named after me for crying in the mud! Happy Girl! My high school art teacher/friend even went to the lengths of making a calendar of Happy Girl. Me! twelve months of jamila!!! imagine! but life ain't like no post card (another way happy girl took form) and i never expected it to be, but this is ridiculous!

lately i've been thinking a lot about the person the 8 yr-old jamila thought she might grow to be. I we mostly thought about like the fleeting attractions and silly things in my life but most of my expectations seemed pretty solid. i thought i would be super cool, with no boy particular boy in sight just enjoying the view ( i've always liked boys) and a happy artist. now i'm an artist and misery has replaced my joy, i'm constantly worried about pleasing those around me and...it sucks. I never thought that I would be so...annoyed all the time or hate more things than I love. is it cuz i let myself down?? oh this age of never-ending questions...i'm slowly learning to appreciate it. but back to little mila.

i thought i would be the girl who let her "little light shine 'til Jesus come" yet i have forsaken her. sometimes, usually around my b-day i'm like "sorry kiddo, maybe this new year (my birthday having passed two weeks ago) I'll find brighter days or just be the bright bila you were thinking of". here's to a brighter bila (imaginary light raised to my younger self).

I think my gradual abandonment of my younger self is why I've held on to every age with a vise grip, cuz i know with growth come pain at least in my experience. with every age I've been a little more afraid of the next. but that little mila was fearless. maybe she and I should be homies again. maybe it will make me that bigger/badder woman I am slowly but surely becoming. that mila didn't care about her weight or what other kids said or how they were living. that mila was the business. Though she new hard times she didn't let it get her down.


i know it's strange to be talking to one's younger self and referring to befriending her...but this is how i roll sometimes :) so here's to another happy girl. cheers!

a couple of blessings and a few expletives

so i know everyday we're blessed beyond comprehension but today in particular two blessings stood out more than others. first, after class today i got a call from my aunt who wanted me to do something (an art piece) for the Christmas play among other things. for those not in the know, i don't have a job so I do odd jobs like cleaning and portraits or other artsy stuff for people...so, this is grand for me!

on my way to the car while still on the phone i remembered what hit me like a ton of bricks twenty minutes before class ended. i hadn't paid my meter since i left it 2.5 hrs earlier. i got to the car crossing the busy street safely and...NOTHING. i didn't get a ticket. and it was still there! i didn't know what to due with my thanks but thank the Lord many times over. I then called my mom cuz i didn't know what else to do i was sooo happy!!!! she said to just do what i had done and didn't know what else to say...two minutes later she received a call with a frantic child on the line...me of course.

I had forgotten my ipod in the art bldg and had to turn back and get it. then the swearing and crying and other hysterics began (hyperventilation styles). when i looked to make my U-ey there wasn't anything there but BAM!!! when i started to turn i got licked on the driver's side. totally my fault and the fact that i had definitely lost my ipod now, i began to swear, but not when i got hit. just when it hit me. strange huh?

anyway i said "sorry Jesus," and began crying, i think i immediately realized what i had done. I wasn't really apologizing for swearing i don't think but after being so happy i was tested. it was like. "if you asked me to take care of your car why didn't you trust me with the ipod". then i thought "hogwash!!!"..and then "or not???. ok, sorry again."

i went back and looked for my ipod. nothing. i must have looked a mess all red-faced and mumbling. i got back in the car and tried to breathe. i must have called my mom about ten times after everything happened. that time i called to tell her that it was gone and i could barely close my door due to my latest lesson learned. i still couldn't breathe and was now hyperventilating. i was so upset!!! then i asked for peace, just oxygen and peace. twenty seconds later i breathed sanely and somewhat normal, thinking "i just needed to ask. why didn't i ask..." then with the door open i screamed, and i'm not even sure if i asked nicely..."HELP ME FIND MY IPOD!"

the end of the story is i feel foolish and sad cuz when i opened my eyes i see that it had fallen between the console and the passenger seat. all i had to do was ask and my car would be fine and i wouldn't have to tell three different insurance guys my account of what happened. hopefully this it he last time i'll have to tell it! if anyone asks i'm jsut saying, "read my blog "or "i don't wanna talk about it"...at least for now.
garr and umm???... i'm still confused as to how to deal with all of this.

Devotion Dilemma

It seems that I should take these...daily jewels (My Utmost for His Highest Devotional)of info in small strides. I've been reading other devotions and stuff and trying to come to some new... who knows. Each day I hoped I would find a glimpse of God through these readings...I had a glimpse but not really experienced...I'm not sure what I've experienced at this pint I've just grown the more...confused and affraid I'll never really get it. I've had a hardened heart for a long time and even when I will myself and pray for a willing spirit or a new spirit or right spirit..i dont' really feel moved, just all the more confused.

Maybe I could do what Eri did a while ago and just stick with the same entry or whatever it's called until I'm comfortable enough to move on. Today's reading was like. what?! I just had to be honest with myself and admit that I'm like in grade 5 with Jesus. Today's reading took like 11th grade knowledge and spiritual maturity to process. I'm not nearly as far ahead in this as I would have hoped to be.
BLLLGH! that's it for my devotion delimma. From now own maybe I'll do things at my own pace and not feel the need to keep going whether or not I've fully grasped the each concept.