A Tired of Being Black - History Moment

How did you spend your Black History Month? Was it acknowledged at your work place?
...by someone other than a black person. hmmmm. I celebrated by giving the predominately white staff a "Little Known Black History Facts" quiz as an icebreaker, to our "After Valentine's Day" Team Meeting. It was well-received. I asked basic questions about well-known black history figures and every-day gadgets that originated from the inventions of black history icons.

I've found that after school Black History Month kinda seems to disappears. I'm not sure if that's because I have left the securities of a diverse environment or just because ...hell who knows. After passing out the quiz I realized that had I not chosen that as' my icebreaker this month would have never been acknowledge. A co-worker actually said. "oh was that this month. As usual I just laughed because that was a true representation of how most treat it. I'm not sure if that's what Carter G. Woodson had in mind when he got the whole thing started.

I also find it funny that now I've somehow seemed to grasped the importance of Black History Month I've come to the realization that I'm sick of being black..... and being treated black. I know I could lose my membership card for this one but I really get sick of it. This is not to say I'm gonna pull a chalky Thriller move like SenorJackson but the way people come to me for the black opinion/perspective has exhausted me to the boarder of insanity. I just want to scream sometimes...in the middle of lunch or the office or the train. grrrrrr. I was not put on this earth to be the resident Obama for every poorly mixed gathering.

I hate reading into things or trying to figure out what people mean when they say things like "Your surprisingly articulate". or "do you and your brother have the same father". I also kind of feel like somewhat of a sellout when I say " No, I am Jamaican" when telling someone that I'm not eating collard greens. I just don't' really know how to feel. I guess I can pin-point frustration.
I think I love inappropriate and playful racial banter so much because I am uncomfortable with the issue of race itself. I think it's also the stereotypes and such. It's sad how the white middle-class psych student from Wisconsin is looked at strange for listening to Mos Def or the black intern from Atlanta loving Regina Spektor.
It makes me sad when I listen to how friends talk about white people period and when one amongst us is dating or is married to a white person...even worse for them. It just sucks, amongst my Spainish friends who talk bad about "los freaking Moros" not knowing that we're sitting with lebonese/spanish or arabic/spanish mixes, white people talking about hispanics not knowing my aunt and best friends are hispanics. We all do it. Yes stereotypes exist but it's our responsibilty as so-called people educated in life or the world to look past it. but just how i'm not really interested in polotics I guess a crap-load of folks aren't too interested in learning other people yet still claim the term...cultured.
I'm tired of the word black.. I am reminded of the track at the end of the foundation album by brand nubians were the guy is like " I hate black coffee... I hate the black keys on a piano... and most of all I hate that black ass Welsley Snipes"...okay so maybe i won't ever have a "black out" but I am weary nonetheless.
In my singing group our manager was telling us to think of reasons why we wanted to go to heaven. It would be the fuel for a particular song we sing, "Canon Land". Tired of being black is something I'm definitely going to put on my list. I just wanna be more proud of who and whom I belong rather than what I am. I just wanna go home...

dot. dot. dot.

Upon finishing my last blog I found out that the last few minutes of the meeting that I missed this morning was capped-off by my boss-lady saying, "I just wanted you guys to know that I really appreciate you and really love working with you...."
That only leaves me with the questions. Do You think IHOP is hiring? Can you think of a place that needs some more disgruntled workers? The government perhaps?

Damn

I Love My Job But...

Disclaimer: (This will be a long one because I've got about a week's worth of stuff for this submission...and I'm long-winded)

... apparently not for long. I got to thinking today that my workplace is anything but typical. From day to day we are wildly inappropriate in meetings, lunches, and water cooler(my corner cube) gatherings testing racial, religious, and other personal boundaries . As previously mentioned, I love my job but not for long. And today after a team meeting I got to thinking of the many reasons why.
Today in a staff meeting our boss was divulging some information that led towards,"get out while you can this ship is going down." She did of course do so in a much more subtle manner of passing out photo-copied newspaper clippings from the JOBS section of The Washington Post. The article was called Making the Right Moves. She went on to explain how she clipped out the article for herself but later thought, "you know my staff could benefit from this!" So there you go. "There she blows!!!" We're going down down do do do do do do....going down swinging" etc.
As she continued to talk about how it gave tips on how to make a great cover letter, the team continued to laugh about our now sooner approaching but planned departures.
We thought it might be a good idea to have a workshop or collectively participation in updating our colleagues' resumes and formatting cover letters. The funny things is that I'm sure some of us were seriously thinking (myself included), " Yeah, that would be great, get a couple laptops, have designated writers, have stuffers, we can work it like an assembly line...or a business on the side.. we could use some extra cash."

So, aside from the eminent demise of our organization. Today was rather a good day. And it made me think...I don't write nearly enough about the good things in my life anymore, so here are a couple more.

Couscous
Couscous is the name of my co-worker's soon-to-be-delivered child who got the name from the fact that he was only the size of a rice grain when his mother found out she was pregnant.
What's so awesome about my co-workers?? This same co-worker(Preggers) had her third baby shower today... at work. Because everyone either loves babies/pregnant moms or just feels uncomfortable and is there for the food and laughs. Baby showers at work are awesome! Chocolate Lover(she loves Negros) put it togehter and it went off without a hitch! Inappropriate comments were made in front of senior partners... repeatedly.... and everyone was okay with it. Oh the veil of the pregnant lady! Everything is OK under the safety-net which is a work-baby shower!!!!. We spoke of how one of our Buster-like charachter(resident funny guy) was the possible "baby-daddy" and everyone was okay with that. No " this is a no-tolerance establishment! There can be no fraternizing of employees, blah blah blah," just great. I wish everyone's jobs where that way.

I think Resident Funny Guy, Chocolate-Lover, and I are really gonna cry when Preggers goes into labor, for it will be the beginning of a long sabatical and things just seem so much funnier when people are pregnant.

Manditory Harassment Training
I think comparing an inappropriate work relationship between employees to Grey's Anatomy is how all sexual harassment trainings should be started. We need more late night TV in our workplace and manditory seminars. The Director lady of the Legal Services, D.C. Employment Justice Center came by our staff meeting and told us about what is and isn't appropriate in the work place. She would trow in funny little diddies about inappropriate behavior that was meaningless (much like the our daily banter int he office) and highly offensive and just plain stupid shit people do. She used words like Quid Pro Quo and dummied stuff down for us. I appreciated how we made it clear that it's only sexual harassment if it's unwelcomed, which made most of us feel better, and I like how she lied to us and told us that it was made up by lawyer to sound good even thought I was pretty sure I knew these people called the Romans devised a quite complex language called Latin and that unless they were all lawyers too... it wasn't true. But I stayed up for most of the presentations and kept jokes to a minimum she captured our attention with terms like hypos for hypothetical situations and the slides transitions were AWESOME. I just appreciate the little things here at my organization and will really miss the sensation of knowing in how many ways I've daily offended other and crossed personal boundaries.

Super 'V'

So my blog has taken a spin. Now it's just about whatever the hell happens in, The Life and Times of Another "Happy Girl".

So today my friend informed me that the topic for this week on illustrationfriday.com was "super hero". She was reminded of a character I drew orginating from the likes of one of our co-workers/homies.

Our homie went to the Miss Adam's Morgan Pageant last year where she had to be in costume. She geniusly devised the identity as one "Super V". Needless to say it was hilarious due to the fact that super "V" stood for the all powerful forces of the V. jj. It was even funnier because she was in a room filled with men in drag and few of them were interested in it's mesmorizing capabilites.

When we were all around the table we decided it must live on and professed that her slogan would first be "Just Do It", but Nike had that one. We then decided that her mission would be to rid the world of a life less indulgent. She would be the anwser to the abstinence campaigns. We soon ended up with "Don't wait, penetrate" and found ourselves laughing at our vulgarity. In the end we said screw Nike and took "Just Do It" back.

When my co-worker/homie told me this I immediately invisioned a play on Wonder Womans' suite. And I went to work. "Super V" was reborn with a "V" on her crown instead of a star and other "V"s throughout the suit.

Her powers/weapons I'm sure were obvious. Thus, I simply surrounded her in a trembling aura.

Cocaine's A Hell of a Drug...

Like cocaine, the metabolism is one hell of a mechanism..if even that. The way it works with food, our thyroid and other psycho organs/functioning members of the innards and how it determines our weight loss/gain is friggin' crazy, yet cool and delinquent.

Sometimes I imagine that if my metabolism/thyroid had a voice it would sound something like Rick James when dealing with Charlie Murphy. I dunno. Just a thought.

I thought the rule was if you work hard and eat right it will act properly. like a reward " you been aight... these days. imma let yo fat ass lose some damn weight. burn some o dat fat off, yea you aight." but no, not every one's works the same. it gets lazy and lies and incriminates itself, much like when Rick James said. "i would never do that to Charlie Murphy"... and then he's like "yea, i did slap Charlie Murphy in the face....cocaine's a hell of a drug"

I want there to be like the metab-olice. They catch it acting up and just be like "freeze" beat it senseless then make it act right with no time for parole. It should be like a federal offense in the corporal justice system. I know I'm a fool but a girl could dream.'

Aight, well, now maybe I'll get my friggin metabolism to work right for good behavior. These sexy bitches be pressin' on...

(p.s I know ya'll love the cocaine/rick james relation to my fat life ...right??)

Bitchin' meets Catharsis

So I got some tough lovin' about my blog which was expected and appreciated but there's a reason why i posted it on my blog and not the team's. This also serves as a catharsis as jae so psychfully pointed out. From this last post I've found that it does help . At some point things will spill into how weight affect other parts of my life but this time I was just weak and angry, as i often seems to be, though I knew I was not alone everyone has their moments and everyone feels alone sometimes, others more often than some or even more often than is healthy.

Am I really gonna alter the TEAM rules? NO! Like I said it was jsut part of my bitch-fest-06.

So just to clear tingzup...
I'm going by the rules. I 'm paying the price for my trangressions without further quarrel. I just want to feel what i feel and write it down so i don't lose my mind. Feeling doesn't always resolve in acting out. So it's best to just get it out fo' i crack!
the end.

Repeater Cheater

So here’s the deal. At first this blog was supposed to be about how people go back to their addictions, food being mine. They can sneak up on you anywhere anytime, even if you plan ahead. Well that has been scratched. Repeater Cheater shall now be about my personal struggle or bitching about weight loss and how I’m sick of it ALL. It’s not geared toward anyone in particular but in recent convos over the past few weeks and past dealing with people, I’ve grown tired and I’m sure it'll happen again. The beginning is tough i understand, i've had many beginnings... it's just really hard for me see things through to the end. and i know this might possibly get harder as I approach my cruise. And i'm seeing results but it's just the commitment, making a realistic commitment to myself.

It is not news to me that I am a repeater cheater or repeat offender in this system/world of weight loss. It is news to me why. I'm not sure what it is but I have never been able to simply not do something. Maybe it's just a problem with authority or something. As far as authority goes it’s like this… if someone tells me that I can't jump off a bridge I’m not gonna push my way through line to jump and jump first. I’m not a dribbling idiot. But I will however never stop thinking about f-ing pizza until I can have it again if someone says I can’t have it! No matter what people say about “just think this don't think about it like that”, unfortunately at the end of the day I am the only one thinking for myself trapped with whatever thoughts I’ve got in my head. I am the only bloody person who knows what's going on in my head. So, when I thought about abstaining from something for a year I thought... “That’s bullshit and unrealistic”.

Not to say that my team plan is flawed but it is for me and some minor adjustments are to be made in order for ME to be able to continue successfully. I need a life time change.
Thus here I am...I have decided to give up on the "I can't have X for a year” mentality. I shall simply limit myself to a once a month basis. I know some fools gonna say “but you shouldn’t reward yourself with food”. To them I say "bump that", I’m not rewarding myself. I’m trying to stay on the bandwagon and not completely lose my shit. If I never have a class of juice again I think I’d be fine, but deserts or pizza? I know I won't make the yr with half of the contents of my closet, drawers, coat racks, and possibly shoes. To those who say, “but you’re setting yourself up for failure” I say "BUMP THAT", though I may not know who I am or who I am to be, I am the only PERSON on earth that knows what it’s like to be me and preserve my sanity.

If I set a limit for myself I'll do MUCH better. so there it is. Much is left to be discussed and I’m sure possibly argued about with my teammates, but that’s my peace. I’m doing a hell of a lot for this body-to-be and I just think I have to be a little more realistic about MY capabilities.

I know my teammates are strong and probably think I’m being negative. The fact of the matter is I’m the only one who knows what this is like for me to go through this. I’m the only one who’s lived in my household and felt the way that I do about weight and my perspective of myself. This may all sound like an excuse but seeing as none of us are shrinks I’ll go with this being an explanation and a solution for me to not fail at the task ahead of me.

So,
Once a month for a dessert of pizza-esque food is doable and realistic for me,
3-4 times a week at the gym for 1.5 hours is feasible and desirable,
Plenty of water is necessary and the halt on juice is not a problem. The garrring shall come to a pause… until next time…

¡she's a brick!

As the old adage goes, "She's a brick----house. The lady's stacked and that's a fact, ain't holding nothing back." so maybe it's not an old adage but it's old and pretty cool which has everything to do with the likes of me. a big girl at size 14 and i still look hot but it's not what's right for me.

so later in this classic funk piece "She's a brick" they continue to give the measurements of their brick house. 36-24-36. which has NOTHING to do with me. the only thing 36" on me would possibly be the length of a former dread (lock of hair), or maybe the length of my legs. I'm not in anyway delusional in my thinking that I could ever measure up to such an ideal of a woman and nor shall i try.

the truth
I hate food!i really do cuz i hate how we enjoy it so much to the point where we find comfort in it, a boyfriend, entertainment, a confident who will never judge but nor does it return or give back to the cause aside from heart disease, a need to buy new jeans because we're too fat or we have a whole in the crotch due to the fact that you've finally gotten too damn fat to crouch down and pick up a fallen key, metro card or piece of mail. This is BULLSHIT! And I have finally put my food/foot down and said "iI can't do this shit no more!" iIt's time to take back my wardrobe dammit! (So I'm a potty mouth but we can only tackle one thing at a time.)

the mission
I'm on a mission. I've been working out pretty consistently for about 7 weeks and am now joining the forces of my Maryland chicks in pursuit of reaching their personal weight/size goals. I'm just trying to get back into shape really. this team effort will consist of accountability partners and consequences. I'm not quit through the details but I'll get on that later.

My girl Eri and i were talking about how our bodies where not meant for this kind of weight. my feet ans my back hurt mostly because I'm fat. 60+ lbs to be exact. with my bones structure and height combined i should be able to maintain a healthy of 135. the boobs are a factor too. there's no way they should be this big. i mean their huge. I used to think that they would stay the same because of all the other times I'd lose 10-15 lbs, but if i lose 30 lbs and i still have these midgets in a headlock I'm gonna have SERIOUS back issues. so i guess that's another reason to look some bloody wight too.

my stats.
Size: still 14
start weight: : 187 lbs - now: 193
start bust: start: 43.25" - now: 40.75"
start waist: 38" - now: 35"
start hips: 46"
start arms: 14"- now:13.25"

I've gained weight and lost inches. There's a hell of a lot more to go with consequences such as eri talking clothes from me if i cheat so i have faith that this will be a VERY bumpy ride but I'll get there eventually. i know I'm well on my way to my spot's name sake because a dress i bought a bit ago wouldn't close. and here i am rockin' it. well that's all for now. peace.